First there was Attila, then Genghis Khan, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot then Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. But thanks to the power of modern media and internet hobgoblins the true threat to Portland, Oregon, and the Western World has been discovered.
Why, it’s Trimet Bus Drivers.
Oh sure, there are those apologists out there who would say that Trimet drivers are normal people just like you and me. That they are drawn from the public of the Portland Metro area—but we, well steeped in the hype of the press and the ranting of online zealots, know the truth: that bus drivers are not human at all, they are just pure evil.
Perhaps they are clones left over from a secret Nazi program buried under Rocky Butte or they could be aliens secreted into our population bent on destroying our city and convincing normal people that the Portland Building is a work of art. Obviously they are not human, just beasts, disguised as humans.
We must be thankful for those demagogues of hype who create those little descriptors they like to slip in before the facts. They have pointed out the evil Bus Driver Subversion with terms like:
Overpaid bus drivers;
The historical precedence of those little descriptors is untarnished. They are simply the best way to point out what people should be thinking: a way of describing and giving the solution altogether.
It’s because of these little descriptors that we can tell that we are getting the full unbiased stories, right?
Enough about those saviors of mankind, the purveyors of the crisis of the moment. It’s time to look behind the mere surface hype to the deeper core of pure hype. Remember, what’s important here is that you don’t think. I want you to feel the hype. Then I want you to react. Don’t stand around and wait for the facts. Just react. Only in that way can you ever really be safe.
Let us go deeper.
How dare those drivers attempt to adhere to the contract they were hired under? Why, it’s time we realize that contracts are only supposed to be enforced when they are convenient—not when they matter. So what if you were hired and invested years of your life for that agreement? What do the years of an evil bus driver’s life matter anyway?
Contracts like the Constitution should just be thrown out whenever anyone feels like changing it. To demand otherwise just proves how evil bus drivers really are.
How dare they?
It’s obvious that if the economy was now in a record boom, and money was rolling in left and right, that Trimet would insist that the contract be broken to increase the pay of drivers and add benefits right? So why do those drivers fight when Trimet (crushed by such success as the WES line and ridiculously expensive light rail) insists that they need to cut what they are supposed to be paying bus drivers?
Lets face it: bus driving is a life and death job. Thousands of people board buses every day and they should be safe. Hundreds of thousands of people interact with buses every day like traffic, pedestrians, bikes—you name it, a bus driver has a thousand ways to make a lethal error every day. All this risk and they dare to ask for pay equal to half that of a good plumber? How dare they think they have any sort of value? Protecting lives and driving defensively should be their payment. We should cut their pay down to that of say the night boss at the local theater. Only then can non evil people be attracted and retained. How dare they expect $25 dollars an hour for protecting anyone’s life? Where do they get off?
Sure, going off in the media about driver safety, quality and habits may seem at odds with insisting that they are overpaid. How can an industry be so important that they deserve constant scrutiny and observation, that being held to a high standard of safety and yet, their pay is just way way way way too much? Sure, that seems strangely contradictory but that’s because you are thinking not using your hype brain. Remember: feel, don’t think; react, don’t reason.
Oh sure, every day drivers take actions that save lives, like stopping on a green light while a minivan full of kids zooms through a red light like last night. That’s just statistical noise and didn’t happen because you and I know the truth. Unless it’s on TV it’s not real at all and it's not getting on TV unless a bus driver hits that minivan then we all know it will be the fault of that evil evil bus driver.
Sometimes the evil is not so obvious.
Take the recent hype about hours worked, another obvious case of how deep bus driver evil runs. Don’t think that was overblown at all. After all, that recent big accident by a bus driver that worked 20 hours in a day well….
There wasn’t one?
What? no smoking gun?
Ok, forget that. That’s just facts. We are talking about feelings here. Facts have no place in hype. Just ask the National Inquirer which also reports facts and hype all at the same time... Let’s all FEEL THE UNSAFE and REACT!!!
We know that every driver at every garage is abusing the system and is forcing Trimet to give them too many hours to work. We know this because it was in the news, print and on the internet.
Now it wasn’t the 300 part time drivers (called “Mini-Runners”). They can’t really get overtime so it wasn’t them.
It wasn’t the 700 or so regular drivers who work the standard eight to ten hour day and maybe, if they are lucky, do a little extra if another bus or train breaks down or a shift on a weekend.. Those drivers aren’t going crazy, but we know they would if they could so they should be considered guilty. Besides how dare they volunteer to work on their weekend just to help so runs aren’t canceled? Can you imagine how much nerve that takes to volunteer to helped out when extra drivers are needed? You know they are evil. Why, any employer in the private sector responding to needs would fire their asses just for offering to give up a little of their home life.
We know it’s the 150 or so drivers on the Extra Board. Now we are getting down to it. Here! Here are the highest paid drivers at Trimet. These are the evil ones we should be holding to the fire. I mean how dare they work 12 hour shifts? how dare they try to help out as much as they can? That is just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
Everyone of those extra runs they cover needs to be canceled. We don’t want highly paid bus drivers, do we? We want stranded people waiting for buses that will never come, all day long on every line—that’s what we need more of. Only when we have more people crowding onto fewer buses if they can find room, only when people are not getting to work and getting home, will we have justice and safety.
Oh and all those extra things the Extra Board does, well we should cancel all of that too. All those things that were not covered in the media hype need to be canceled. Why should we pay drivers to…
Show up at fires to provide temporary shelter to displaced people in their time of need? CANCEL that stuff right now!
How about when the police need a bus to hold witnesses so they are not bolting or so they can stay warm while an investigation is going on?
CANCEL. That is all a plot by Trimet bus drivers!
Oh and just forget waiting on standby to evacuate a section of the city because of a gas leak. That has to be another Trimet driver plot just to make more money! CANCEL!!!
Extra buses for everything from major sports events to flooding: forget that. Let people shiver and suffer; public transit isn’t (after all) for the public. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL.
Any driver trying to do exceptional service why they should be fired. Any driver who works over 12 hours should be terminated, like back in the Winter of 2008/2009. All those greedy extra-board drivers sleeping on the floors of garages, all those drivers doing 16 to 18 hour days so the few runs that we did have going during the worst snow in 40 years would have buses at 5 in the morning.. No more heroic or exceptional service like that. FIRED! all those greedy money grubbing drivers should have been fired.
What kind of evil person gives up so much of their personal life just to drive people to work, home, school, hospitals you name it? What kind of egotistical person thinks they are so indispensable that they sleep under a desk just to be there at four fifty in the morning when the first bus rolls out especially after working until ten thirty the night before? An evil driver does that, a money grubbing Cadillac-insured evil-doer. No company in America would want such exceptional and heroic level of effort. I say FIRE THEIR ASSES.
Trimet should have just canceled those runs and let people freeze because suffering is proof that Trimet cares. Now that is service to the public remeber the only 100% safe rider is the rider not on the bus.
NO EXCEPTIONAL EFFORTS ARE EVER NEEDED! What is safe is safe and should always be safe.
The next time there is a city wide emergency and you need a bus, when one doesn’t show up just smile and think. “I really stuck it to that driver. That extra board driver is not making one more penny.” That will be a win for you and the Portland Metro area and for Trimet's budget. Then tighten up your coat and start walking home—but walk the walk of self-righteous superiority because you have won.
It's simple Trimet should just get rid of the extraboard. We don't need those greedy over working achievers. Give up your personal life! put in extra time, deliver when times are bad, work when you are needed. HA! That sounds like the type of worker that is destroying the American dream.
Look, we know what’s going on. We read it and heard it in the media so it has to be true. Drivers are driving with only 4 hours of sleep every day and that’s how they are making over $100K a year.
Those low sleep days only happen occasionaly?
Wait, no every day?
Well they are getting paid a lot right?
Just how do they make that money?
Never mind that the highest paid drivers are ones the come in every day and do ten to twelve hours and occasionally up to 14. Never mind the highest paid drivers get there because they choose to work on their days off just like everyone else in the United States. Never mind that. The time for reason isn’t here; right now you must feel the evil. Feel the outrage and act.
No, we all know the secret to the truth and a little about proper procedures. The key to any proper solution is to find the few that are abusing the system and then blame everyone as a group. Then make what ever quick solution you can, don't listen to those telling your otherwise, these thinkers. Don't let your fact brain put the brakes on your feelings. It’s time to make sweeping changes that affect everyone from now on, no time to think things out.
Come on, say with me in smug self assurance. “Look how effective we all are.”
We know the facts.
1. There are accidents at Trimet;
2. There are drivers who make a 100K;
3. There are a few drivers who occasionally double back and work 2 shifts so they can keep driving on a time slot they are more comfortable with. As in Morning drivers drive morning, evening drivers drive evening.
This obviously proves that they are all connected. Lucky for those in the hype game it’s such a small step from the above three “facts” to blaming all drivers and their Cadillac Healthcare. I'm not sure how that is connected but just to be safe it should be mentioned over and over again.
Now that’s how you do it “media style.”
So what if the operators that are the best paid are that way from sacrificing and volunteering? Those words are “code words” for EVIL. So what if we never looked at why an operator was doubling back and going with only 4 hours of sleep? Once again those facts only get in the way of the hype. Remember we don’t need facts! Hey we don't even need to know if that driver was driving all that time or sleeping in the corner of the break area on report just incase he had to drive. We don't need those facts.
I said it before; now stop worrying about facts just feel and react. After all, what have reason and facts ever done for humanity? Hah! Nothing. We are at our best when we just feel and react, right? That’s what makes us superior to the beasts right?
So now you understand just how evil bus drivers are and how much we have to stop them. It’s obvious that management at Trimet is unable to control their drivers. The real heroes here is after all the Media. So here is the obvious solution that we must jump at before the hype fade and more reasonable minds prevail.
It’s very obvious.
1. Get rid of the extraboard drivers, That type of exceptional service is only wrong.
2. The entire staff of Trimet in fact should be fired and replaced by reporters from KPTV, KATU, KGW, and KOIN. At least then they will make a good wage and have a good "Cadilac Healthcare" option.
3. The head of Trimet should be selected from the staff of the Oregonian
4. Managers should be selected from a series of bloggers who rotate through the job based on who posts the most negative post about Trimet. (Obviously the most important criteria for Managing ever)
The above changes would fix Trimet overnight, Sure with all the new people there will be some problems but in the long turn their zeal and lack of data and facts will not hold them back one instant from making the kind of long term decisions that only the uninformed and inexperienced can make. Only then can we be sure of the bright and safe future we are due. Only then can the evil bus drivers be stopped.
The next step is obvious after that.
What we need is to equip every bus with an activist and a camera and a microphone. Then have a channel on cable that directly beams 24-hour records of all driving and interactions of every driver for live for instant judgment and review by those who know nothing of bus driving. It’s a fact that micromanaging people by standing over their shoulders and recording each and everything they do or say is the first key to generating positive employee morale and highest possible performance. Take that business school! with all your talk of empowerment! HA!
We can get there.. to the world of 100% Safety and here is the good thing. We won’t even have to use our brain to do it. Just feel and react.
Please join me in this crusade to END THINKING & BUS DRIVER EVIL!
Roll Evil out there my friends, Roll Evil!